To get something, you need to ask for it.
Seems pretty obvious.
Often people will not ask for what they want, and this lowers the chance of getting it considerably. People don’t ask for what they want because they are afraid of failure and embarrassment.
Here are some reasons people do not ask for what they want:
- Fear of rejection and ridicule.
- You don’t feel you deserve it.
- Do not want to inconvenience others.
- Hoping others will read your mind.
- Being embarrassed or shy.
- It is not customary.
Well, all these reasons might seem subjectively true to you, but research shows it is really worth asking for something.
Research by Francis Flynn and Vanessa Bohns found that people get a lot more positive responses than they expect when they ask for help. Because of this bias, we rarely ask for help, even in situations where the likelihood of getting a “yes” answer is very high. The numbers are incredible! The actual rate at which people will help us is 3 times higher than we expect:
Participants had to estimate how many people they would have to approach to get one to say “yes.” On average, people estimated they would have to ask 7.2 people to get just one to agree. In fact, they needed to approach just 2.3 strangers, on average. 
Do you remember the last time someone asked you for something, and you started laughing at the request? You probably don’t do that.
You only have to be brave for 20 seconds. After that, everything will be fine.
Sky will not fall.
You may get a “no.”
The person you asked will most likely forget about it in 5 minutes.
Too much work to help
Authors of the research suggest that our error in estimating how often people will say “yes” comes from the fact that we consider the price of helping us to be too high. We think the time and resources needed to help will get us a “no” answer. In short, we believe it’s too inconvenient to help us.
The strong individual is the one who asks for help when he needs it. ~ Rona Barrett
Hitchhiking in the city
In the winter of 2010, the snow came early. Most cars still had summer tires. Snow covered the roads from ankle-deep to knee-deep.
Besides summer tires, my car had rear-wheel drive and very low clearance. The car was stuck and not going anywhere.
I had to take my 7-year-old son to grandma’s house.
I called a taxi.
After more than an hour of waiting, I finally got a taxi.
I had to walk about a kilometer to the location where I could meet the taxi driver. When I got there, there was no taxi. I called the taxi company and asked what’s up. They let me know that the taxi had picked up another person who happened to be nearby and asked for it.
I was in a blizzard.
Almost knee-deep in the snow.
With my kid on my shoulders.
I was standing on a street corner next to a traffic light, contemplating the existence.
A lonely car stopped at the red light.
I stepped on the street and knocked on the window. The young female driver rolled down the window.
I asked if she could give me a lift to the city center, so I could take a bus and get to where I needed to go.
With no hesitation, she said, “yes.”
As we were driving to town, I explained the situation.
Then she offered to take me directly to where I wanted to go.
It saved me at least an hour with a sleepy kid in the horrible weather.
For her, it was probably just a 5-minute detour.
The point of the story is that most people will do much more for you than you expect.
If the situation had been even a little bit less desperate, I might not have asked for help.
Afraid of the NO
The other side of not asking for help is tied to rejection. Researchers think we give the “no’s” more attention and want to avoid the feeling of rejection that came with it. We often decide to not ask at all than to get a “no” as an answer.
If you don’t ask, then the answer is always “no.”
Of all the times you ask for help, the “no” will be less than 100%.
You have nothing to lose.
Afraid that you look stupid
I organize a lot of marketing workshops and seminars. My goal is to teach people who attend, skills that would help them in their specific situations. For that, I have prepared material that I think would be most helpful.
Then I tell the attendees to ask questions so I can tailor the event to their exact needs.
Some people ask questions, and this makes the seminars much more valuable for them.
Others don’t ask questions and leave with less than they could have.
How do I know?
Sometimes, when I look at our anonymous feedback forms, I see that participants mention something that we didn’t cover.
If you feel that an issue is not being addressed or you don’t understand something, ask.
In my example, there was a time when nobody knew anything about internet marketing.
Because there was no internet marketing.
Ask for what you need. Ask for explanations when you don’t understand.
Asking for help will get you other benefits as well. When others respond to your requests, you will strengthen the relationship between you. The other person can get a feeling of accomplishment and being needed out of the task. You will avoid the regret that comes from not asking. And, of course, there’s the direct benefit of help you asked for.
The Ben Franklin effect is a proposed psychological phenomenon: that someone who has already performed a favor for certain person will more likely to do another favor for that same person rather than do a favor in response to receiving a favor from just somebody.
Research has also shown that we have a higher regard for people who have asked a personal favor from us. Researchers attribute this to the fact that if we helped the person, we tend to think they were worth it.
But you don’t have to ask just for help. The possibilities are boundless.
- Ask friends to join you on a trip.
- Maybe you can use that sportscar your wealthy friend has.
- Want to have sex in a different way.
- Ask that person for a date.
- Ask a potential customer for a sale.
Asking for what you want is a big part of self-worth and standing up for yourself. Sometimes people will not ask for something they deserve because deep inside, they think they are not worthy.
For many, this is the barrier they need to cross. You need to demolish that mindset. Yes, you are worth everything, but if you don’t believe it yourself, others will sense it and act accordingly. Make sure you give yourself credit for the things you do.
You don’t have to do it all by yourself. ~ Elizabeth Dehn
5 steps How to Ask for What You Want (and get it too)
As the research shows, we are much more likely to get help than we think we do. To improve your chances of getting what you want, follow the steps below:
1. Always ask for what you want
Don’t assume that people know what you need. Even if someone sees that you could need help, they may think you want to handle it yourself. People can’t read your mind. Tell them what you need, write an email, call, talk to them.
If you don’t ask, the answer will always be “no!”
2. Be specific and to the point
Don’t waste time!
Be direct and to the point. We all have things that fill up our time. Don’t waste time beating around the bush. If you need something, put it out there.
3. Understand the nature of your request
There are two types of asks you may have.
A favor is something where you are the beneficiary, and the person helping you is doing it for more or less altruistic reasons. But they are getting something. They may enjoy helping, or they may feel important or smart to help others with what they can do.
A beneficial relationship is something where you do something with the other person, and you both benefit. Here you need to be clear about the value you offer. If you are unclear, then the other person may miss the value you are offering.
If your ask is something big, then do your research. Make it clear to the other side what’s involved, what you and they are getting out of it.
4. Use reciprocity and similarity for your advantage
We tend to help people who are like us. Point out how you are similar to the person you ask help from.
Reciprocity helps a lot. If you have helped the other person in the past, then it’s much more likely to get them to help you. It doesn’t have to be something big, and it doesn’t have to be a trade.
“You owe me one” is not asking for help.
It’s a transaction.
5. Follow up and be patient
Following up is the single most effective tactic you can use to get what you want.
If you don’t get an answer immediately, it doesn’t mean that they reject you. Be patient and wait for the other person to have enough time to respond to you.
Sometimes emails go to the spam folder, sometimes phones are on silent mode when you call, or maybe their boss is yelling at them just when you call.
There may be delays because people have their own stuff to deal with. When they finally have time, some other demands on their time may have come up.
Follow up and ask as long as you get an answer.
When you are dealing with a group of people: a business, your team, or the friends you are hanging out with, ask different people.
In sales, following up until you get an answer is the key to success. The same thing applies to any other situation.
Don’t become annoying, but don’t give up either.
If it gets weird, ask for a “no,” or if any other time in the future would be more convenient.
Sometimes it takes more courage to ask for help than to act alone. ~ Ken Petti
Don’t stop asking!
Asking is also a persistence game. There are two main approaches:
- ask from the same person until you get it (children are pretty good at it)
- ask from many people until you get what you want (door-to-door sales)
If you want to go out with somebody, you need to ask. And if you really want to go out with that specific somebody, you need to ask until you get them to go out with you.
I know it’s hard, might be embarrassing, you feel rejected, you may think you don’t deserve to go out with them, you may hope they read your mind and ask you out, and last, but not least this may not be customary for you to ask them out.
Get over it!
If you think the result is worth it, don’t give up. You can give up if the signs are clear as a restraining order. As some salespeople put it:
if they ask security to throw you out of the building, it’s a “maybe.”
If you need something that many people can give you, then you just have to ask enough people and let the probability do the rest.
For example, if you need directions in a foreign country, ask until the first person gives you what you need. On the other hand, if you need $10,000 in donations for a new charity, ask until enough people chip in.
Asking something once from many people is usually easier for most of us as the interactions are shorter, and the potential for embarrassment and rejection is smaller. Ask something from enough people, and you’ll find the ones who will give.
Never apologize for asking for what you need, if you don’t ask – the answer will always be no. ~ Rachel Wolchin
Ask for more
If you want something, ask for a lot, and then scale back. Would you want to support our cause with a 1,000 dollar payment? No? How about $50 every month? Anchoring effect will help you:
Anchoring is a cognitive bias where we rely too heavily on an initial piece of information offered (known as the “anchor”) when making decisions.
However, there is also an opposite version of this method. Ask for less. Ask for a small favor and scale up step by step.
Foot-in-the-door (FITD) technique is a compliance tactic that aims at getting a person to agree to a large request by having them agree to a modest request first.
There are a lot of tactics that help you get people to do what you ask. Most sales books are filled with that. But the first thing you have to do is ask. Get over yourself, you are worth it, and it is pretty unlikely they will laugh at you. When you get what you want, you may consider writing a thank you letter.
Next step is to go out there and ask for what you need
Now, go out there and ask for what you want.
Please comment, what have you been avoiding to ask?
Image: Give Me Weed by Ian Sane
 Kenrick, Douglas T., Noah J. Goldstein, and Sanford L. Braver. Six Degrees of Social Influence: Science, Application, and the Psychology of Robert Cialdini. Oxford: Oxford UP, 2012. p14-26.